Are You a Doormat or a Fortress? Finding the Balance with Healthy Boundaries

Do you find yourself constantly saying “yes” when you desperately want to say “no”? Do you feel like others often overstep your limits, leaving you resentful and drained? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, which are essential for our well-being and fulfilling relationships.

What Exactly Are Boundaries, and Why Do They Matter?

Think of boundaries as invisible lines that define where you end and another person begins. They are the limits you set to protect your physical, emotional, and mental space. Healthy boundaries allow you to maintain your individuality, prioritize your needs, and build respectful relationships. Without them, you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or even losing your sense of self.

Are Your Boundaries Healthy, Unhealthy, or Nonexistent?

• Healthy Boundaries: You are able to say “no” without guilt, express your needs clearly, and maintain your values even when others disagree. You respect others’ boundaries and expect them to respect yours. You value your own opinions and don’t feel responsible for how others feel.
• Unhealthy Boundaries:

• Rigid Boundaries: You may appear detached, avoid intimacy, and have difficulty asking for help. You might build walls instead of boundaries, making it hard to connect with others.
• Porous Boundaries: You might overshare personal information, struggle to say “no,” become overly involved in others’ problems, and tolerate abuse or disrespect. You may fear rejection if you don’t comply with others’ requests.

How Do Unhealthy Boundaries Affect Our Relationships?

Unhealthy boundaries can lead to problematic relationship patterns, such as:

• Dependence: Relying excessively on others for validation, approval, or a sense of self-worth. Your happiness becomes contingent on the other person’s mood and actions.
• Codependence: An excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support due to an illness or addiction.1 You might enable their unhealthy behaviors while neglecting your own needs.
• Interdependence: This is the goal! It involves a balance of self and others, where both individuals maintain their individuality while supporting each other. There’s mutual respect, open communication, and a healthy give-and-take.
• Enmeshment: What does it mean to be enmeshed? This is a relationship where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development.2 It becomes hard to tell where one person ends and the other begins. Individuals in enmeshed relationships might feel responsible for each other’s emotions and struggle to function independently. The relationship pattern is marked by a lack of personal autonomy. An example is, a mother who constantly intervenes in her adult child’s life, making decisions for them and reacting strongly to their choices as if they were her own. Also, a couple who share all their thoughts and feelings without filters, unable to spend time apart or make independent decisions without extensive consultation.

How Does Adelyn Birch’s “Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship” Help Us?

In her book, Adelyn Birch provides a compassionate and practical guide to understanding and setting boundaries, especially after experiencing difficult or toxic relationships. She emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and provides tools to help readers:

• Identify Your Limits: What are your values, needs, and deal-breakers?
• Communicate Assertively: Learn to express your boundaries clearly and respectfully, without aggression or passivity. One of her examples illustrates assertiveness without aggression: Instead of yelling, “You always interrupt me!” try saying, “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted. Could you please let me finish my thought?”
• Manage Guilt and Fear: Overcome the fear of disappointing others or the guilt that often accompanies setting boundaries. Birch reminds us that setting boundaries is an act of self-respect, not selfishness. For example, feeling guilty about saying “no” to a friend’s request for help when you’re already overwhelmed. Birch encourages acknowledging the guilt but reaffirming your right to prioritize your well-being.
• Protect Your Energy: Learn to prioritize your well-being and avoid overextending yourself.
• Build Healthier Relationships: By setting boundaries, you create space for more authentic and respectful connections.

Are You Ready to Build Stronger, Healthier Relationships?

Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is a journey, not a destination. It takes practice, patience, and self-compassion. “Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship” can be a valuable resource on this path, offering practical advice and empowering insights to help you reclaim your sense of self and build the relationships you deserve.